My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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