apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
