At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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