She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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