I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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