my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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