my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
