Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
