I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
