I'm drive I can fine osifer
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
