My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
