My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
