this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
