The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
