Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
