She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
