If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
