I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
