Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
