its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
