when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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