i need an iv and a liver transplant
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
