New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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