there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
