If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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