mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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