Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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