i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
