You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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