Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
