I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ugly people sure do ruin things
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize