nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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