you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
