I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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