I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
