You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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