i may or may not be watching the land before time
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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