we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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