We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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