Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
