why didn't you poke me back
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
