my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
