I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
