Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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