Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
