I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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