We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
