just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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