she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
