It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
