Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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