yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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