i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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