I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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