You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
