got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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