You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
