My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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