i permit you to call me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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