I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Your dad touched me again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize