Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
