he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
