i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
