i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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