Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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